You May Be Right… I May Be Crazy

So. This is going to be a very hard one to to publish and make public, but I’m feeling very much compelled to open up a bit about something that’s hugely important to me, something that has become the core of my identity. This is 100% going to raise eyebrows, because it’s an odd thing both within and outside of heathen community. A small handful of very close friends know, but I guess it’s time to just get it out there. I’ve always prided myself on integrity and being an open book; my honesty is one of the strengths I listed in therapy. But I haven’t been completely honest about my religious devotion. And I’m not sure if certain other Lokean friends are brilliant about reading between the lines, or if Loki’s been running his mouth, but after it was mentioned by her and confessed by me, I realized it’s time to get it out there.

My relationship with Loki? It goes beyond the fulltrui commitment.

I’m more than a Lokian nun. I’m a godspouse.

I’ve written before that I’m terminally single. I bitched about it to my dear Shadow Spouse at the marathon Loki blot we had at ECT. Another potential bombshell that probably doesn’t surprise anyone who knows me: I consider myself to be asexual. I have little desire and even less need for a physical relationship, but I still want companionship: someone to go out with, go hiking with, snuggle up with, be a goof with. I spoke about this with Loki and with Shadow Spouse at ECT, and expressed my frustration at every guy I’ve been into turning me down. I never dated in high school because no one was into me, I had a few very brief relationships in college, and a disastrous 3 year long something in my early 20s. I’ve been single for 11 years now, though not for lack of trying. It’s hugely demoralizing to be rejected by every guy I’ve crushed on in that time, to say the least. It’s harder to seek companionship than you’d think.

I’ve written countless times about how Loki broke through my stubborn obliviousness that night after the blot. How up until that moment, even though all signs pointed to me being a Lokian through all the years I considered myself to be an Odhinnswoman. How at the private words spoken at Odhinn’s ve by a group of 9 after the main ritual, Odhinn caught my eye and smirked, told me to “Go to him. You’re his. He’s been waiting so long for you.” How the words I spoke there at his Ve to the other 8 gathered were my final testament and thank you to Ol’ One Eye for the path and lessons he’d guided me through over the years. And then I turned to Loki, and I took his hand. He was holding my hand in the moments following the words at Odhinn’s ve, when I realized I was walking and chatting with the daughter of the man who’d saved my life and my mom’s life 20-odd years ago, in another country, another lifetime. He was at my side when I spoke to her father on the phone, thanking him for helping my mom and I escape – literally escape – my father’s wrath, for seeing to it that we got back to the United States safely. He was grinning when I took her hand, and stepped before the ritual fire, and raised a horn to toast her father, my hero, as we all marveled at the miracle that had just unfolded. And he’s been by my side ever since.

I mentioned in my last post that I slip into a trance state fairly easily. It wasn’t always so: it started that first night at ECT, when I’d returned to my cabin after our 3 hour Loki blot. I was alone: the other 8 people who were bunking with me were still at the anniversary concert and ensuing revelry. I was drained from my first day at heathen summer camp and from the blot, so I readied myself for bed. The moment I lay down, I slipped into a trance state. I was no longer in the cabin; I was in a forest, and a red fox was waiting for me. Once I got my bearings, the fox moved through the trees, pausing to look back, to bid me to follow. It led me to a small round clearing, and in the center of the clearing was a stump, and on the stump sat Loki. “I heard you at my ve,” he said, smiling broadly. “I’ve been waiting for you, you know. You yearn for companionship, and don’t you know I’ve been with you this whole time?”

“I’ve noticed you, of course,” I stammered. “Don’t I always pour a drink for you when I make offerings to Odhinn?”

He beamed. “You do. But you haven’t noticed how much I’ve wanted your attention, truly. Can you think now of a time in your life that I wasn’t there?”

I thought. And I thought. And he grinned. He grinned the grin of the fox on my first tattoo, the design I’d picked out when I was 6 years old, the one I’ve always called my Loki fox. And I felt like a fool.

“You’re not a fool,” he said. “You’re just stubborn. I’m patient, and I knew you’d figured it out. So, your words at my ve. Your need for companionship. I also need companionship. I know what it is to feel alone. And you offer extraordinary insight and experience in your world. Everything is so exciting for you, and the joy you find in silly little things… Well, I want to be part of that.” He extended his hand to me. “I’ve always been at your side, even when you didn’t realize it, you silly, stubborn little fox. You want companionship? I’m offering it to, for always and forever. I adore you, little fox, and I love you. Marry me.”

“Uhhhhh… I’ll think about it.”

“Take all the time you need. I’ve waited this long. What’s a little more time? I’m yours, if you’ll have me. And you’ll always be mine.”

“Um. K.”

And just like that, I was in the cabin again, alone in the dark, sitting on the sleeping bag on my cot. Not going to lie, I was completely and utterly freaked the fuck out. I thought that was it, I’d lost my ever-loving mind, and had experienced a total psychotic break from reality. First of all, what the fuck was that? Second of all, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT?!

I’ve always been aware of and somewhat sensitive to energies around me. I’ve always had a fairly keen sense of who or what was around me, and I’d had a pretty good track record in the past of being able to communicate directly with the gods. But those communications were pretty much reserved for ritual and prayer. I’d feel them come and go, Odhinn, Freyja, Thorr, Loki, and I’d spoken with them, had conversations, as it were. But it wasn’t really a daily experience. It was once in a while kinda thing, or so I thought. Now, I had communicated with someone not on my terms, not on my turf, and I was deeply unsettled. It wasn’t unpleasant, quite the opposite, but I was pretty shaken up by it. I’d never had an experience like that, where I was face to face with a being of a different nature. And the proposal? What the everloving fuck? I knew nothing of godspousery, thought it was self-serving “look how special I am” egoism the few times I had run into it in pagan communities. I mean, really, what the hell? Godspouse? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense and have a little respect for yourself, your gods, and your community.

I didn’t bring it up to Shadow Spouse right away, but the next day I did mention the unexpected trance. “Welcome to ECT,” he said. “The gods are strong here when we gather and make places holy for their offerings.”

It wasn’t until after everyone had returned home from ECT that I finally told him about Loki’s proposal. I can’t recall just what he said, but it was something along the lines of not being surprised, then asking me what I was going to do. I told him I was dragging my feet thinking about it. I felt crazy. I felt delusional. I wanted to know what the fuck I was supposed to do with this information.

A few weeks later, I reached out to my diviner friend. She’s a talented psychic and reader, and she pulls no punches. I needed help untangling the crazy in my head, and I trusted her to be blunt and savage. She was. Long time readers may recall what I wrote about this reading. I didn’t tell her what it was about, just that something had happened at ECT and I needed clarification. She smirked, had me shuffle the cards, and she turned them over, her smirk growing stronger. She looked at me with a shit-eating grin and said, “You’ve been offered the chance for great ecstasy. Why are you hesitating to accept the proposal?”

I slammed my hands down on the table and nearly jumped up to get the hell out of her house. “FINE!” I shouted.

She snickered. “Hey, you wanted blunt.”

Backtrack: the night before the reading I had a sit down with Loki at the altar I’d built for him the night I’d returned home. “So I see M tomorrow. Depending on what the reading says, if I decide to move forward with you, we’ll have to figure out the courtship.”

A shrill screech in my brain case actually jolted me. “WHAT DO YOU THINK WE’VE BEEN DOING THE LAST 20 YEARS?!”

“Okay, first, I’ve clearly been oblivious. And second, I’ve only been actively working with you guys for 18 years. I mean, things were pretty casual when I was growing up, it was really only about Odhinn and Valhalla, and then the whole Catholic school thing happened. I’ve really only been raising horns to you guys myself for 18 years, not 20.”

*godly facepalm* “You’re infuriating, you know that?”

“Yes, that I DO know.”

So even though I thought godspousery was a crock of shit, I became one. I wasn’t forced into it; once Loki asked, it was entirely my decision. He made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere if I said no, that he’d continue to be by my side, but as a friend, a fulltrui, nothing more. But after weeks of research and deep thought, it was the right thing for me. I agreed to be kind of a conduit for his energy, to be kind of a way for him to experience Midgard and the human condition directly. I make it easier for him to interact with humanity, and he loves it. He’s so giddy at being able to hang out and listen. And my home is a safe place for him to come and relax, kick his shoes off and do nothing. It’s why I notice him more, and get such strong impressions from him, enough to “hear” and know what he’s trying to interject when I’m doing something. The lines of communication are wide open, and I still feel crazy sometimes, but it works. He’s a good egg to have around.

Of course, when I slid into deep depression starting in April, I shut myself off to him just as I did my friends and family. It wasn’t until I sensed my grandfather pleading desperately with me to listen to the gods that I realized how frantic and worried Loki had been. He got a little shrill and screechy, said I was turning his “glorious red locks gray,” and reminded me of our promises to never leave the other’s side. “I’m here, I’ve always been here, I’ll always be here. Don’t do that to me again. Don’t you dare hurt yourself. I won’t be able to bear it if you do.”

Last year, when he and I were discussing the terms of godspousery, laying down boundaries and working out the oaths, I asked him about human relationships. “I mean, it’s not like I’m not used to being single and living alone, but what if?”

“Yeah, that’s fine, as long as he treats you right, the way you deserve to be treated. You have really terrible taste in men though, you know that?”

“Wait, what?”

“You’re welcome.”

“Have you been cock blocking me?”

“Yes. They’ve all sucked. Not a single one of them would have done right by you.”

“LOKI!!!”

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it many times to come: what is my life?

Well, this is my life, I guess. And now it’s out in the open. How I’m able to notice and hear Loki as frequently as I do, it’s because I’ve formally agreed with be a conduit for his energy. He’s always been there, and he always will be. This, incidentally, is why my relationship with Sigyn has flourished in the past year. It’s funny and embarrassing, this is something I never thought I’d admit, but when I was in college, reacquainting myself with the lore I’d grown up with, starting formal relationships and gift cycles with the gods I’d always known, I was jealous of Sigyn. Deeply, ridiculously jealous, because she was Loki’s wife, his beloved. She taught me he was worth loving, to listen to my instinct about him and disregard the fear and hate the American heathen community harbored against him. And I was jealous, even though it didn’t make sense. It was a bizarre reaction to her from my 18-year-old self. I didn’t understand it until last year. She teases me about it now, and she’s overjoyed that I’ve joined the family. She and I have grown very close, and I absolutely adore her and love her as much as she does me. I respect her and look up to her. And Angrboda? I had first contact with her shortly after the oaths. “Congratulations,” she said. “Maybe you can distract him and keep him busy for a while. I could use the break.” And that was it. Sigyn finds this hilarious, and I’m amused. A little scared of Queen of Ironwood, but still amused by the one and only interaction with her. Sigyn has pounced on me like a sorority sister, always giggling and teasing as we team up together against Himself. My life is a very strange one, but it works.

This past year has been fascinating as I learn I have more family than I ever realized. From my father’s extended family finding me through his obituary, to my kindred, my new brothers and sisters adopting me into the fold, to Loki and Sigyn, drawing me close and staking their claims. I hardly feel worthy of all of this love and support, but as always, I’m supremely grateful for it. I know that the contents of this post are questionable at best, and believe me, I understand completely. I had the same reaction, and it took some time and very, very thorough reflection to commit to Loki like this. I still think godspousery is strange, and I still can’t help but question the motives of others who claim it. It’s bizarre, plain and simple. It’s why I haven’t been open about it. It’s a scary thing to admit. But in my life, it makes sense, even though it low-key horrified me at first. No, we’re not having wild sexyfuntimes on some astral plane, but the love and commitment is there, and I try my best to make safe places for him in the world of mortals where he can hang out and feel a part of life. The gods are curious about humanity, and the lore is full of stories about them wandering around Midgard and interacting with men. My relationship with Loki offers him a chance to continue that hobby. I’ve never been possessed, and honestly I don’t know that I’d ever be open to possessory trance work, but I help him to experience my world just as he lets me experience his. We help each other out, and we tease and infuriate one another, and at the end of the day, it’s nice to know he’s there. He promised me companionship, and that’s all he asks in return. We promised to never leave one another’s side. That’s all there is to it.

Crazy? Abso-fucking-lutely. But I’m okay with being called crazy. This is my path, and it works for me, inspires me to keep doing what I do and be the chipper idiot who brings a smile to the face of everyone I meet. It’s important to me to remind people of joy amidst the chaos of our lives. It’s what drew Loki to me in the first place, and me to him. I’m very likely going to be single for the rest of my life, but I’m not alone, and I’m sure as hell not worthless. Crazy, but not worthless!